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You didn't do anything.

[ Even if it's not that easy, it's not as if Steve actually wants him to leave. There's still too much to talk about, too much to figure out. ]

If you go, I'm gonna go with you. That's how it is.

yeah, and it's not just me you've gotta worry about.

do you wanna leave?

don't answer that.

i'm not yours and you're not mine. you can't come with me and leave all your friends behind.

but if you aren't going, then I don't know that I want to go.

it's 2016 for me
you?

i think i'm ok for now?
i guess i'm still trying to absorb the whole
getting kidnapped in space thing

I just wanted to make you aware, Loki is back.

[She doesn't know if he knew already, or if they had some sort of run in. But she wants to make sure.

She doesn't want to worry him either, because she can definitely take care of herself, but she feels she needs to share the really big news:]

And he's also my new roommate.

can we talk?

I can't find Jim.

I don't think he made it out of the crash.

[As far as he knows, given the timing, that's probably what happened. Same with Paz who was lost during the Caducan attack.]

Just thought I'd let you know.

[ He doesn't want to make excuses, it's been so long since the date on this message, but... ]

I just saw this. Where are you?

[ He thinks he'd seen something like that on the Directory, but Steve's not sure of a lot of things right now. ]

What? [ No, really. He's positive he hasn't read that right. ] Are you there now?

[In the middle of the Moira's wreckage, on a planet in the middle of nowhere.]

Behind the first medical tent.

[ Funny. He doesn't think he's actually left medical in a while, so. ]

I can be there in a few minutes. I'm a few tents down. [ Since that's all that seems to be left of the Moira now. ]

[Bucky had crash landed his transporter - not his fault, he's a good driver. So he'd been distracted with that and after, he'd gone looking for everyone else. Now that Steve's contacted him, he can stop worrying.]

Alright.

[He's sitting on a crate of supplies, Sugar curled up nearby.]

[ Steve is as on time as he can be, though it still takes him some time to find where Bucky had told him to meet him. Even if it's been a few days since the crash, since he'd woken up in a medical tent, things aren't exactly healing as quickly as they normally would, and he's noticed a lot of other things off about him too. He hasn't said much about it though, doesn't plan to when he sees Bucky, and there's a tentative smile to the way he looks at him, eyes dropping to the cat before looking at his face again. ]

Hey. [ There's a lot to process still, why so much of his memory involving Bucky is like a gap, and maybe that's the reason he doesn't immediately move closer to greet him. ] Looks like you're doing okay.

'M fine. So is Sugar.

[His eyes flick to the cat. Bucky had heard, from one of the others that look like him, but he'd wanted visual proof. He had it now. Bucky doesn't have the same issue that Steve has. He remembers everything from Wonderland and his time here. He remembers that he'd been slow to act on certain things.]

You look better than I thought you would.

[Bucky stands, crossing the space between them. He doesn't hesitate, confidence curled up into his movements as he curls his hands into Steve's collar and tugs him close, kissing him. It's their first kiss, and last, so he makes sure to put everything he's got into it.]

You can say you're sorry this time. [ the first words from andyr's mouth when he sees him again, because he can feel emotion welling up in his throat, and he's always done angry so much better than despairing. it's been a couple days since he heard Steve was back, and Andyr had fluctuated between wanting to run to the medical tent to see him, to make sure that it's true, and wanting to take off into the shadows of the planet and never turn back. he'd made his way there by the third day, found steve up and walking around, and abruptly grabbed his arm, dragging him roughly towards a more private area of the medical set up, turning back on him with viciousness in his voice the moment he felt they were sufficiently alone. ]

You can't do that. You can't say shit like 'I can't lose you too', and then ride a flaming hunk of metal into the fucking ground. I can't lose you my fucking ass. [ in his mind, there was a choice. steve had escape pods and didn't get in one. there was staying on a damned ship to make sure others ran fast enough to get off, and the cost of making andyr lose one of the few, few things he calls his own. that he has dared to call his own, when he's been legally stripped of the right to own entirely. what steve had told him had been ringing in his ears the last several days, and all andyr could find to soothe the ache of it was to tell himself steve decided it was alright to make him lose someone instead. a sudden spike of helpless anger bursts in him, and andyr's hands reach up, shoving at steve's chest with something unhinged in his voice. ] I have nothing, Steve! I'm not even a fucking person!

[ he knows he's not making sense, and andyr's resolutely parked himself back into the mindset of 'it doesn't matter, no one's really listening anyway'. his mind is only going in a singular circle now, just: he left, he had a choice, and he left him behind, in one tolerable hell that'll some day send him back to dungeon he came from. ]

If you wanna die for humanity, fine, but I'm not going with you. [ in andyr's mind, the world, universe, people he has so much faith in, no matter the dimension they came from, can, will, and has killed him, over and over and over again. that their majority choices would have been exactly the same, in the same situations, and he won't forgive them. not for ever loved one ripped from his hands, every violation and shame he's had visited on him in an attempt to make him accept how little freedom he has left, not for ever last one of his own screams that echoed alien off the lab walls. he'd been alone, and steve wanted him to try again. well, he had, and then steve left. ] I'm not gonna watch another person leave me behind. I've given up enough for the greater good.

[ he's made space between the two of them again, in the sectioned off area he'd dragged steve into for this talk, pacing against the far wall of the makeshift tent like a caged animal. ]

I want my book back. I need it.

[ Steve doesn't get much chance to comment, not when Bucky is moving closer and has left Sugar behind, but it's good to know he's fine. Things had been a blank for a while, mostly touch-and-go, and whatever he'd lost when the Moira had gone down isn't something that's going to easily find its way back to him. His expression thins a little. ]

What did you think I —

[ And that's when Bucky has his hands on his collar, the weight and proximity of him something familiar and aching and too close to be a dream, and Steve stumbles into the kiss like he's never done it before, hand reaching out to settle on a shoulder while the other hovers between them like he's aiming to push against his chest or curl his fingers into his shirt and drag him closer. It's a strange contradiction, one he can't quite explain, but it's there. Then, it's over, and he's left standing there, almost leaning into Bucky with his eyes closed. ] Did I miss something?

[ It takes him a second to form words, still trying to figure out if this had anything to do with all that missing time. ]

[ He'd been in cryo when he'd gotten this message, and when he reads it, Steve isn't too sure how he feels. ]

Are you sure? Has anyone helped you look?

Yeah. We looked with dogs and we did aerial.

[By this point, at least. Kaz has had some time and help to deal with it. Bucky wouldn't have wanted him to hurt. He'd always wanted him to live his best life; might as well give him that dignity.]

We've done what we could. I thought you should know.

Not currently, no. But we've already had a lovely chat.

[can you sense the sarcasm there?]

[Maybe not quite their last. Steve's leaning into him - Bucky may or may not have pictured what it'd be like - and then he's talking and Bucky kind of wants him to shut up.]

Be quiet. [He leans in and presses their mouths together again, a little light and a hell of a lot sweeter, letting his eyes fall shut. Bucky tugs Steve closer, grip tight so he stays where he is. This time, when he breaks the kiss, his head slides forward, cheek pressed to Steve's.] I love you and I'm so goddamn sorry.

[Bucky feels like his heart is breaking in two and he takes a deep breath before stepping back, then one more just in case.]

[ He remembers the crushing pain of what it had felt like to die, the helplessness that had come from that long before he'd ever made the choice to stay, and still, he'd stood against it, raised his shield and shoved back because the needs of the people on that ship had always outweighed his own. Yet, he can see it written on Andyr's face when he sees him, when he drags him somewhere private and breaks his heart. What promises he can keep have never amounted to much, have they? Every time he says something to him, it's just another crack in his trust, another way to betray him, and as much as Steve is missing time (and those memories with it), there is too much of this and them to ever forget that without tearing the rest of him to pieces. His expression wavers as he listens to him, the burn in his eyes like the vivid memory of smoke and fire, the ravage of fighting and how it had torn him down until there had been nothing after, and something like that isn't meant to be lived through, much less remembered. He wants to say he'd thought of him in that final moment, the seconds before all the air had left his body and his soul had drifted to some place he can't recall, but there had been nothing.

As much as Andyr says he has nothing now, Steve had given up so much to have that when he'd died. ]

Andyr-- [ His fingers curl, fall loose at his side. The reality of death is still so very new to him, the consequences of what being brought back had done to him, and it's the smallest voice in the back of his head that says he should stop this from turning into more than it had already become. Steve has no right to ask of Andyr what he'd just thrown away, clearly unable to give it in return, and that's the difference, isn't it? Captain America stains his life and ruins what he wants to protect, what he's come to care for, and there is no other way to be. He doesn't know how.

His throat feels raw before he even finds the words to speak, trying to keep the waver from his voice. Speak calm, speak clear. His head is swimming. ] You know why I stayed, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be with you. [ or the others, but his tongue is too numb to tack on the rest of it, and he draws in a breath, taking a step toward him before thinking better of it. Not now. He can't do that. ] I just... I thought it was the right thing to do. You know I couldn't have asked you to do the same.

[ What a useless sacrifice that would have been. He's done that too many times to count already, dragging his friends into one fight after another in an effort to save the world, and what is he really doing with that sort of mentality in a place like this? The crew of the Moira had made it to the Hub mostly unscathed, and in the process, he'd thrown himself in the fire. Now, he has to pay for that with the way Andyr is looking at him, with the way he's pacing, and Steve doesn't want to corner him in this medical tent where their privacy is only allotted by how thick the dividing walls are, but he forces himself to get a little closer. At least enough that says he isn't going to back down from whatever it is he's trying to tell him.

Steve swallows and looks at his feet for a few seconds, hand following the same motion as before—clenching and dropping loose. A nervousness that rolls into the way he eventually pushes his fingers through his hair. ]

Is that really what you want from me?

[ andyr'd prided himself on numbness, at one point in his life, some months before now. he's watched men and women beaten, tortured, and pulled apart. seen friends die and only been moved somewhere deep and dark and shuffled away in his mind. he'd had lab techs and directors and guards plead and sob at him, gripping at his clothes and begging him, praying under his hands for mercy, and they may as well have been mute for all it mattered to him.

all steve rogers does is say his name, step forward, and look at him. ]

Yes. [ Andyr bites off viciously, punched out as if that's the only way to get it past his lips, and he knows it's a lie the moment he hears it. He hates him, a little, for being so difficult to lie to. Not even ten seconds later, Andyr's sighing, and admitting, more quietly. ] No.

[ what he wants is to stop losing. he knows it's wrong to ask steve to give up his stalwart stance on these ideals, in the same way it'd be wrong if steve asked him to stop fighting the houses back home. he knows, logically, rationally, somewhere in his mind, that he'd hate to see steve at all diminished from the determined, strong, indomitable force that he is. it's one of the things andyr adores so much about the man, and admires, wishing he were capable of the same kind of immovable confidence, and hope. the man who feels more like a ghost, like some cruel promise that'll be ripped away from andyr the moment he reaches out for him again, steps in closer, and every inch of andyr's body is telling him to run. just burst from the tent and sprint into the dark, rocky planet's wilderness. he's fast, maybe steve won't be able to catch him.

he doesn't. feet feeling sunken into concrete, limbs weighted down with lead, andyr stays put, only looking down at steve's hands, with emotion building up on his features. this is bad. he isn't holding onto that hollowness he'd worked so hard to cultivate back home, can't choke down this vulnerable aching in his chest like he used to. andyr'd tried to bury it, tried to get lost in ronan, and it'd been wonderful for a while, and the affection and warmth of his friend had made walking and breathing doable, but the ache never left. holding dutch while she wept for him couldn't move what felt choked up in his throat, and the pull at the center of his ribs threatening to cave him in. steve rogers is going to ruin him, and andyr's going to let him. ]

I want you to stay.

Edited 2016-12-11 02:39 (UTC)

[ Steve's already on the cusp of trying to argue the point when Andyr takes back that poignant yes with such a defeated no, the breath before too soft, too sweet, and it cuts him deeper than the anger, than the words slung at him to hurt and shove him away. He does this, and he's so ready to continue doing it, to hold out his hand as if he expects Andyr to always be there and ready to take it. Maybe that's why he doesn't touch him just yet, even though he wants to. Maybe that's why he keeps what little distance is left between them, glancing up long enough to watch his expression and feel it tear the rest of the walls around him to dust. He'd seen what dying had done to the others he knew, but he could have never guessed this is what would have waited for him when they'd finally confronted one another, swallowing around the bitter taste in his mouth that forms the apology he never gives.

He would if he thought it would help, if it'd change everything about this moment.

Steve can't seem to shake the thought either, his connection with Andyr so much deeper than the superficial draw that had initially pulled them together, and it's even more than the touch of intimacy they'd shared, the spiraling web of where he ends and the other begins. The realization makes him dizzy, how easily Andyr's opened up enough to allow Steve this sort of viciousness, and worse is the fact he'd accepted it without contest, finding more of himself in a person from a future he could never think to ever reach. He yearns for that familiarity now, biting at his bottom lip before he's moving in and reaching out to let his thumb graze Andyr's wrist. It's the only sorry he's going to get out of him right now, breathing and drowning in the consequences of his mistakes. How could he take responsibility for someone like this and expect them to be the same after? ]

You want me to stay. [ He repeats it slowly, not so much a question as it is something he can't seem to wrap his head around. No one else has ever asked that of him before, and Steve isn't sure he deserves it, letting his pinky trace the outer edge of Andyr's palm before gently hooking around the same finger like a promise. ] I'm right here.

ic contact for thisavrou

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sorry for the delay!

text; pretend this was like 10/26-10/27

text; private

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we'll pretend i'm not a thousand years late

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♥ ♥ ♥

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