You can say you're sorry this time. [ the first words from andyr's mouth when he sees him again, because he can feel emotion welling up in his throat, and he's always done angry so much better than despairing. it's been a couple days since he heard Steve was back, and Andyr had fluctuated between wanting to run to the medical tent to see him, to make sure that it's true, and wanting to take off into the shadows of the planet and never turn back. he'd made his way there by the third day, found steve up and walking around, and abruptly grabbed his arm, dragging him roughly towards a more private area of the medical set up, turning back on him with viciousness in his voice the moment he felt they were sufficiently alone. ]
You can't do that. You can't say shit like 'I can't lose you too', and then ride a flaming hunk of metal into the fucking ground. I can't lose you my fucking ass. [ in his mind, there was a choice. steve had escape pods and didn't get in one. there was staying on a damned ship to make sure others ran fast enough to get off, and the cost of making andyr lose one of the few, few things he calls his own. that he has dared to call his own, when he's been legally stripped of the right to own entirely. what steve had told him had been ringing in his ears the last several days, and all andyr could find to soothe the ache of it was to tell himself steve decided it was alright to make him lose someone instead. a sudden spike of helpless anger bursts in him, and andyr's hands reach up, shoving at steve's chest with something unhinged in his voice. ] I have nothing, Steve! I'm not even a fucking person!
[ he knows he's not making sense, and andyr's resolutely parked himself back into the mindset of 'it doesn't matter, no one's really listening anyway'. his mind is only going in a singular circle now, just: he left, he had a choice, and he left him behind, in one tolerable hell that'll some day send him back to dungeon he came from. ]
If you wanna die for humanity, fine, but I'm not going with you. [ in andyr's mind, the world, universe, people he has so much faith in, no matter the dimension they came from, can, will, and has killed him, over and over and over again. that their majority choices would have been exactly the same, in the same situations, and he won't forgive them. not for ever loved one ripped from his hands, every violation and shame he's had visited on him in an attempt to make him accept how little freedom he has left, not for ever last one of his own screams that echoed alien off the lab walls. he'd been alone, and steve wanted him to try again. well, he had, and then steve left. ] I'm not gonna watch another person leave me behind. I've given up enough for the greater good.
[ he's made space between the two of them again, in the sectioned off area he'd dragged steve into for this talk, pacing against the far wall of the makeshift tent like a caged animal. ]
no subject
You can't do that. You can't say shit like 'I can't lose you too', and then ride a flaming hunk of metal into the fucking ground. I can't lose you my fucking ass. [ in his mind, there was a choice. steve had escape pods and didn't get in one. there was staying on a damned ship to make sure others ran fast enough to get off, and the cost of making andyr lose one of the few, few things he calls his own. that he has dared to call his own, when he's been legally stripped of the right to own entirely. what steve had told him had been ringing in his ears the last several days, and all andyr could find to soothe the ache of it was to tell himself steve decided it was alright to make him lose someone instead. a sudden spike of helpless anger bursts in him, and andyr's hands reach up, shoving at steve's chest with something unhinged in his voice. ] I have nothing, Steve! I'm not even a fucking person!
[ he knows he's not making sense, and andyr's resolutely parked himself back into the mindset of 'it doesn't matter, no one's really listening anyway'. his mind is only going in a singular circle now, just: he left, he had a choice, and he left him behind, in one tolerable hell that'll some day send him back to dungeon he came from. ]
If you wanna die for humanity, fine, but I'm not going with you. [ in andyr's mind, the world, universe, people he has so much faith in, no matter the dimension they came from, can, will, and has killed him, over and over and over again. that their majority choices would have been exactly the same, in the same situations, and he won't forgive them. not for ever loved one ripped from his hands, every violation and shame he's had visited on him in an attempt to make him accept how little freedom he has left, not for ever last one of his own screams that echoed alien off the lab walls. he'd been alone, and steve wanted him to try again. well, he had, and then steve left. ] I'm not gonna watch another person leave me behind. I've given up enough for the greater good.
[ he's made space between the two of them again, in the sectioned off area he'd dragged steve into for this talk, pacing against the far wall of the makeshift tent like a caged animal. ]
I want my book back. I need it.